Let’s talk a little bit about rape. I believe that everyone knows rape is nonconsensual sex.  It is sexual assault, a violent act.  It is often stems from rage and anger.  It gives the rapist complete domination over the person that is the victim. 

            The victim is not always known by the rapist.  They are often simply in the proximity of one another when the event occurs and when opportunity presents itself.

            There is also the event now known as date rape.  Sometimes the victim is drugged, or taken advantage of while in a weakened state, such as after a drinking spree.  This usually happens when the victim is known to the rapist, at least somewhat, but is unwilling to allow intercourse. 

            When the victim, presumably a woman, says no and the other person refuses to  accept that for an answer, rape is quite often the outcome.  If the woman is lucid, and fights back, she may be beaten or threatened with a knife or other object.  The rapist may use a gun or verbal threats to subdue the woman in order to gain her cooperation.

            A woman alone at night in a parking lot or even on a deserted street is a prime target, especially at night.  Sometimes this situation is unavoidable, such as when leaving work at night, or coming from a class or activity after dark.  Always think ahead when parking your vehicle with the possibility that you will be leaving alone and after dark.

                Women must be vigilant in knowing where they are, who they are with and being aware of their surroundings.  It is also important that they make their friends and family aware of where they are going and with whom. 

            Meeting someone new, as on a blind date?  The best strategy would be to never meet someone you don’t know without having friends accompany you and meeting in a public place.  There truly is safety in numbers.  Once you have met the other person, don’t dismiss your companions too fast.  The person in front of you may not be as nice as they appear to be.  Remember Ted Bundy?  He appeared to be an  upstanding young man.

            If you have a cell phone, make sure you have it with you, fully charged and within easy reach at all times.

            Don’t allow your judgment to be impaired by drinking heavily.  People make very foolish choices when in a drunken state.  I shouldn’t have to say it, but do not do any form of drugs, and don’t pick up strangers in bars.

What do you do if you are raped?

              First, make as much noise as you can if attacked.  Scream “FIRE!” or “CALL 911!”, hit, kick,  or what ever you can safely do to attract attention.  Second, the incident MUST be reported immediately, even if you succeed in fighting an attacker off. The police need to be aware that this person is in the area, if only to save other women from the fight.

For more information or to get help, you can call the National Sexual Assault Hotline:  1-800-656-hope

            Do you know the difference between Domestic Violence and Abuse?  They are not always the same thing.  Domestic violence is of course abuse, but not all abuse is violent.  A parent withholding shelter, food or safety from their child is being abusive.  Name calling, bullying and general comments that are aimed at making a person feel bad about themselves are also forms of abuse, whether aimed at an adult or a child. This form of abuse can scar a person for a lifetime, forever damaging their perception of themselves.

           Taking unfair advantage of the weak or sickly is also abuse.  This would be especially true when an adult child bullies a parent into doing things for them that they should be able to do themselves.  They often place burdens on an elderly parent using the threat of withdrawing their physical assistance, or withholding their affection if the parent does not comply with their wishes.   This happens far too often, and I see it happening all the time. 

            When my stepfather implied I was stupid and ugly, it was verbal abuse. He said “you should learn to be a good cook and housekeeper so you can land a husband to take care of you.  It’s the main thing a man wants in a wife, and the only way you will ever find a husband.  You can practice that here at home.  Housework comes before school work.”  He implied that I was too stupid to be able to take care of myself.  Looking back, it seems his motive was to make me help my working mother more.  Being a young teenager, this only served to make my rebellious streak a little wider, and I started attracting men just to prove him wrong.

            Mother, on the other hand said, “You need to study hard so you can support yourself.  No man will ever be willing to put up with you.”  Mixed messages?  You bet!  I wound up feeling like the hole in the donut.

             Much of the definition of verbal abuse goes to intent, and it has taken me years to be able to identify when I am being verbally abused subtly.  Sometimes words can be changed to mean something other than what they imply simply by a change of tone and volume. Constructive criticism is not the same thing as abuse.  The person who tells you that you should be ashamed of committing a crime is not abusing you.  The person who tells you or implies that you are stupid is being verbally abusive.

              Most often debasing comments are made to make someone do something other than what they want to do.   Basically, verbal slurs are made just to make the other person feel bad about themselves; or the person making the comment wants someone to blame for their own shortcomings.  It is a means of manipulation, and the verbal abuser thinks they are now superior.

           Q.  What do you do when you are verbally assaulted?

            A.  Verbal abuse is often just the precursor to physical abuse, especially if the one being abused returns fire.  The first option would be to let the person who is abusing you know that you find it unacceptable. Secondly, seek counseling.  But be sure the counselor is well informed on the topic of verbal abuse. This is a topic you can research on the internet.

             Abused, but not yet bruised or battered? You can check out:  NCADV   (National Coalition Against Domestic Violence) for a list of agencies in your area that offer resources.

            When it comes to the crime of child molesting, children today are taught to be more aware of their surroundings, and the fact that they do have the right to say “NO!” than children of earlier generations. Most children know the difference between appropriate and inappropriate touching.  Of course this does not relieve parents and other adults, whether family members or not, of the responsibility to be observant of how children interact with adults and other children.

            Did I undergo personality or behavior changes after being molested?  Since I was only a child at the time, I am not sure.  But changes in a child can simply be the natural maturing process of their psyche.  They become more perceptive, and are learning a certain amount of independence. These are usually changes that occur slowly over a period of time but sharp and sudden changes in a child’s behaviors or habits should be flags of warning to a parent or other responsible adult who is close to the child.

            Quite often, children who are inappropriate with other children are victims of abuse and this also needs to be watched if not reported.  Much depends on the severity and frequency of such actions. The abused may become abusers if help is not sought.  In fact, this is probably the rule rather than the exception.  The observer must also be aware that children are naturally curious, and playing “Dr.” can be just that. Natural curiosity can be a good thing, if applied properly.  Most parents welcome their children’s questions, and are able to stimulate healthy areas of discovery.    

            When an adult feels compelled to report what they see as aberrant behavior between children, they should be prepared with complete documentation of actions, including who what when and where.  Other witnesses should be listed with contact information if such is available.  Also, should it appear to be small but repetitious acts, the more documentation one has may make the difference in whether or not the person or persons making the report are taken seriously. Of course, in the case of obvious injury or action, there should be no delay in making a report. 

            It should be noted that making an official complaint against an adult that is not substantiated can result in the wrongful ruination of someone’s reputation, and forever alter their life.  I would suggest caution and thorough investigation before filing an official report unless the injury is obvious.

             If we witness a crime and do not report it, we are part of  the problem.  It is far better to be part of the solution.

           Here is a little about me:  molestation, rape, domestic violence and abuse are all a part of my past history.  I suppose you would call me a true survivor, although I know many who had it much worse than myself.  Indeed, some folks have had such horrific childhoods that one must marvvel at the terrific adults the have become.  Others who claim abuse use it as an excuse to do likewise to others.

            I was raised in a time when these things were not spoken of, and you always respected your ‘elders’.  “Sir” and “Ma’am” were the only way you addressed your ‘elders’ unless you used their titles such as “Mr.” or “Mrs.” so and so.  And you never questioned their actions or words, as that would be showing disrespect.  It also made it nearly impossible to tell another adult that someone had touched you or harmed you in some way. 

            These things often took place in our society, but were never reported, unless a parent had fostered a safe environment and was aware of their children’s changed attitudes and actions.  The worst case scenarios were the only ones reported as there was no denying the fact when the child was bloodied or suffered visible indicators.  Reports of child abuse have risen in the past years, and indicate to me that parents are much more protective and aware of their children today, and trust their children to tell them if there is an incident.

            There are many adults walking around today with the scars of childhood abuse tucked deep down inside them.  I was once one of those adults and it has taken years to come to terms with just my childhood, not to mention my teenage and adult years of abuse.   I hope to encourage others to allow their own healing to evolve, and become happier and healthier.

            Probably the hardest, and the most important thing to do, is to realize that you were not to blame.  Children do not ask to have bad things happen to them, and are definitely innocent victims.  Talking about it, even years later can be of utmost value. 

            The victim may find that whoever they tell about the incident (or incidents) has had the same experience.  For myself, I found group therapy very healing.  It does not need to be with a psychiatrist; perhaps a group of friends that have undergone the experience will be adequate.  If a person  was severely traumatized, it would be  wise to seek  professional  help.              

             Often, people are carrying too much undeserved shame and guilt to be able to open up to someone they know, and need to be seen by a specialist in this area.

Where to begin? 

                I would suggest that the most important part of healing that worked for me was to realize that the person or persons involved were sick individuals, and I was simply the hapless victim that happened to be in their path at the moment. 

                It was not due to anything I did wrong, or that I invited.  These individuals were to be pitied, although their actions should never be condoned or excused.  Due to my silence, I often wonder how many other children underwent the same treatment; but as a child, I was powerless to do anything to stop them.  Many children feel the same, I am certain.