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3月31日 Happiness Is OptionalHappiness Is Optional If one wishes to be happy, they must remember that happiness is not having what you want, but rather, wanting what you have. It is also a choice that one makes. We can live in the misery with painful memories of the past. Or we can choose to let go of the pain and start fresh. The experiences we have had can become tools we use to have empathy for others. When we have been in the same painful spot as another individual, we can ease their burden by sharing our own trials. Sometimes our own experiences can help keep others from being abused. That is a big part of why I blog on the subject. So many people are unaware of the abuse they are exposing themselves to until it is too late. Education is a very valuable tool to use when trying to protect oneself. In order to let go of a painful past, it often means coming to terms with your own part in the scheme of things. It also means realizing the individuals who were responsible for your pain were very ill themselves. It is possible to forgive them without condoning their actions. People do not always choose to be abusive. It is often the only way they know how to be. We mirror the actions and attitudes we grow up around. And victims of abuse did not choose to be abused. They just happened to be in the path of the abuser. Verbal abuse is one of the worst things we can do to another human being. Once spoken, words can never be truly taken back. They stay with the individual and will often haunt their every waking moment. If you have been verbally abused, you will know of what I speak. It can often affect what an individual does and how they look at the world and people around them. When angry, it is easy to say things we don’t mean and we often speak without even thinking. It takes great restraint and practice to not say hurtful things. The old saying that we always hurt the ones we love is very true. They are closest to us, and usually bear the brunt of our angry words. Quite often they are not even the ones who made us angry.
(c)2008 Zada Connaway 3月16日 Why?It has been asked: Why write about such a dark and painful subject in my blog?
I had to think long and hard to come up with an adequate answer.
It is my hope to open a dialogue for those who have their own abuse issues hidden away like dirty little secrets. For myself, I was lucky enough to find others who had suffered what I endured. As a sort of group therapy we discussed our feelings and were able to heal in this manner. We discovered within our little group that we were not unique, nor were we alone.
I have heard it said we are only as sick as the secrets we keep. The sickness within us causes pain and gives a false sense of who we are. It also gives our worlds different shades of right and wrong as well as leading us to make unwise decisions in our lives.
This is part of what I had hoped to illustrate in my novel, Mother’s Journals: parts 1, 2 and 3. At seventeen, Margery leaves her family to go to unknown territory because of her own bad decisions, and must live with the consequences of her actions. Then in desperation, she strikes out at her abuser and must live with those consequences. Her secret has far reaching consequences which estrange her children and they become adults without family ties that go beyond their own little family units.
Every decision we make in life has consequences we must live with. Some are good decisions with happy endings and others are not. Quite often by keeping secrets we harm others around us. Trying to shield loved ones from our truths can back fire. For those who have kept dirty little secrets, it is not too late to begin the healing process. The process is not always painless, but it is worth it.
In order to live full, productive and joyful lives, it is necessary to abandon the false guilt and remorse we have for things that cannot be undone. In this way the anger can also be banished from our lives.
Anger guilt and shame need not color the world we live in. It is our choice to heal or stay sick inside. The consequences of exploring our feelings can be most beneficial to us and those around us. I would hope that those who suffer would be able to heal and feel inner peace and joy.
I wish you all joy and happiness in abundance.
(c) 2008 Zada Connaway 3月4日 Announcing Companion WorkbookIn Helen Wisocki and Curt Szajnecki’s blockbuster book, “Innocence Betrayed - A Dad's Story of Clergy Misconduct', they deftly illustrate what any family can suffer at the hands of a less than scrupulous spiritual figurehead. In order to assist those who are at risk, they have developed a workbook with tips and exercises for those who have been abused or suspect abuse from their clergy members. The cover states: “Protecting Children and Vulnerable Adults from Clergy Misconduct.” And that is exactly what their aim and purpose is in this offering. It is written in a way that will help those in trauma due to exploitation, and would be an excellent resource to be shared with anyone struggling with the issue of misconduct whether at the hands of clergy or any other authority figure. It is hoped that the workbook will prevent abuse by teaching the signs to look out for, and make people aware that there is a grooming process the predators seem to know so well--almost like they've read the same book. The hope is to reach vulnerable people before it happens so abuse can be prevented. Once you have read the book, you can turn to the workbook which follows closely, and use the simple exercises at the end of each chapter to identify the ‘grooming techniques’ that are employed by less than scrupulous clergy members. Are you or your family at risk? This workbook will help you identify the tactics employed and spot subtle indicators. The workbook is written in simple, easy to understand language, and offers exercises that can be accomplished easily. This workbook should be an essential companion to the book, and will assist parishioners of any denomination to identify behavior that may be putting them or their families in harms way. It would also be useful in other areas of one’s life, when dealing with any authority figure that you would think you could trust. You can check on this work here: betrayed by clergy 3月2日 For the menWhen I think of abuse and violence, my mind shifts to a gender specific image of women and children being beaten or abused. However, this is in error. Men are often abused by women as well. Usually, it is verbal abuse, but sometimes it is also physical. Women can be very mean and spiteful towards men. Especially if they themselves have been abused.
It can be easy for women to take their anger out on their loved ones, even if they do not realize they are doing harm with nasty or snide comments. Verbal abuse can be far more harmful and long lasting than physical abuse. It will stick in the person's mind and heart seemingly forever. In the case of children, a mother's harsh comments can change their personalities dramatically. The same is true of other close family members. Aunts and siblings for example.
I have known men who were physically abused by their wives or girlfriends. This is troubling because many men are taught that you never hit a woman, even in self defense. And due to social stigma they would never admit to their peers that their wife had beaten them up. The male ego cannot always admit to their weaknesses, or what they perceive as a weakness. This is part of their upbringing, and can be disastrous for them.
Admitting to our mistakes is part of the healing process, and the only way we can change our behavior. Change can be difficult, but it is vastly rewarding. It is only by trying different ways of responding to others that we can see how it affects us and them. Even if we only change one little thing at a time. It does become second nature if practiced.
We cannot think our way into better behavior, but we can live our way into it, by trying to be kinder to everyone around us. Sometimes we need to make allowances for others, as we do not know what is going on in their lives or their minds at any given moment. |
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