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5月29日 SurvivorsAbuse, Violence, Molestation and Rape. All these things leave bruises and injuries. But outer bruises of the physical fade and are sometimes even forgotten. At least, for some, and for awhile. Our true selves, inner selves, or our souls if you will, can recover and usually do if allowed to. For some, however, the healing doesn't come without a lot of therapy or help in other ways.
The scars inflicted on the soul sometimes bother us forever. And even if they do not seem to bother us, they will reamin with us our entire lifetimes, often steering the choices we make. It is up to the survivors to deal with the memories, to shrug off any shame they feel, and look deep within their hearts. Survivors must learn to separate the problem from the person when possible, especially if they cannot distance themselves from the individual, as when it is a close family member. They must also remember to protect themselves from any further abuse.
A freind of mine was sexually abused and tortured as a child by several close family members. She repressed the memories of the torture she was subjected to until she sought help as an adult who was unable to endure any intimacy. It ruined her marriage, as memories would surface, she would 'freak out' whenever her husband tried to make love to her, or show affection in any way. When I knew her, she had undergone many years of thereapy to try to understand what had caused her this extreme trauma, and why she reacted so violently to intimacy. She shared with me her anguish and we shed many tears together. I could not help her, and she was unable to help herself. But after many years of thereapy and lots of money, some of the horrific memories started to surface so she could deal with them.
When she confronted her family members, and talked to a brother who had also been abused in this manner, all she met with was denial. But the denial of the family did not diminish her memories, as they started to come back even more vividly. This trauma had caused her to sink into depression, alcoholism and medications. Being an intelligent young woman, she sought help in several forms. One can only hope that she was eventually able to work through these things and gain the ability to live a somewhat normal life. I am uncertain as to her outcome, as we lost touch through the years. Ours paths took different directions, and I pray she has been able to overcome, and to forgive the people but not condone the sickness that spilled from them. My inner self still cries in sympathy for her, although many years have passed.
The people involved robbed her of her childhood and also of her adulthood. Their sickness wasted one of God's most precious gifts and left a tortured soul to fend for itself. Some would say that 'God will get them' and that the trauma this young and vibrant woman went through may help someone else. But sometimes one must wonder. She did reach out and work with others, but not those who had been abused. It was probably too painful to go through it with others.
Studies have shown that many who were abused as youngsters go on to be abusers as well. Fortunately for my friend, she did not become an abuser. She had been too traumatized, and by seeking help was able to stop herself from becoming an abuser. She was breaking the chain and learning to be a true survivor, even though it brought back her pain. That takes great courage. 5月27日 Memorial DayThis coming Monday is Memorial day, and it is on this day that we remember our fallen heroes. There have been so many who have paid the ultimate price to obtain and retain our freedoms. Freedoms so often taken for granted. If we have shelter and warmth, if we can read what we choose, if we can speak our minds openly, if we are able to cast votes, if we can worship as we choose, it is all due to the supreme price paid by so many.
This is more than a long weekend holiday for picnics and having fun. It is a time to be thankful and remember those who have made it possible. So often, the true meaning of Memorial Day is lost in revelry and it does not seem to mean more than that to many of our young. May we never quit the celebration or stop remembering. And may our children know the true meaning of this day, and appreciate the supreme sacrifices made by so many to make it possible.
I would hope that those who make use of this long weekend to travel, ride gently along the roads and are able to enjoy the freedoms afforded us. Whatever your activity, I wish you joy.
Although the true holiday is Monday, I think a three day weekend is a fitting tribute! 5月25日 Innocence LostShe stood in the door with candies in her fist She'd always been taught that adults knew best He'd given sweets to buy her silence Even though there'd been no violence The scar would follow her forever He said they'd not believe her if she told Shame and confusion filled her soul Then she knew that she was trapped It felt as though she had been slapped There was no one to whom she could confide So she tucked her pain down deep inside Her innocence and childhood were both lost Into an adult world she had been tossed
5月19日 Domestic ViolenceWhat do you think of when you hear the words 'domestic violence'? Visions of pictures resembling the photos of Nicole Simpson that were circulated so widely a while back? Or maybe even more catastrophic and hideous injuries? Some incidents end in death, and some leave barely visible bruising or no visible marks. But it is all destructive violence just the same.
We almost always think of the man as the batterer, but the tables are sometimes turned. The problem with that is a lack of reporting. What man wants to admit that his wife or girlfriend beat the tar out of him? So it goes unreported, and shielded from public view. Many women also sheild their batterer, believing that they 'asked for it' or that it is just an isolated incident.
Having been in a violently abusive marriage, I can remember all too well some of the excuses I used to absolve him. "He had a really bad day at work"..."He was too drunnk to know what he was doing"..."If he didn't love me so much, he wouldn't hit me"..."I must have said something to set him off"..."He wouldn't have to hit me if I didn't make him so mad"...and many many more.
And there was also the 'payoff'. After he had sobered up he would feel remorseful and send me tokens of his love. Roses, shopping sprees, new cars were often the aftermath of one of his sprees. His own guilt prompted these gifts, but for me it seemed to make it worth waiting for the next bout. "He is such a good and generous man", I would tell myself. "He really didn't mean to do this to me, and if I were a better wife, he wouldn't have to act that way."
To my way of thinking at that time, it must be me: I'm not loving enough, patient enough, and in essence, I'm just not a good wife.
I left him three times, always coming back, resolving to be a better wife. The thrid time I came back, however, I began to see that it wasn't really my fault. I had tried everything I could think of to make him happy, but nothing worked. Finally I came to realize that if I stayed in the marriage, one of us would surely wind up dead, and I had not done anything to deserve being treated in such a manner. He had an attitude that if he couldn't have me, no one would. So I planned my escape and left town, moving to another state, and letting no one know where I had gone.
Being one of the fortunate ones, he had never left bruises in visible spots with the exception of hand and finger print bruises around my neck, which I covered with clothing and makeup. This also meant that there were no prior reports of abuse that I could use to obtain a restraining order or prove the abuse. For me, escape made the most sense.
I have known of several cases of the wife being the abuser, but as I said, men are reluctant to tell their tale to anyone. I think their male ego gets in the way, since they are supposed to be the strong ones, the 'King of their castle'; it makes them look weak in the eyes of other men. I am certain some of these men also wind up in a grave, and wonder how many 'abusers' are just fighting back.
5月16日 Our Elderly who need care Generally, when we think of abuse, our thoughts fly to the children. But what of the elderly?
Many parents today are in need of care, and wind up living with their grown children due to the cost of care centers. If they are quite ill, they can become cantankerous, cranky and even verbally abusive to their children. The adult child may become verbally abusive as well. This would be mainly in the form of the child causing the parent to feel shame at burdening them, or the parent making the adult child feel obligated and ashamed of their inability to give adequate care and comfort. The adult child might feel resentment at having to set aside their own comforts to care for their parent, and the additional burden on a family budget. This may sometimes become a physical battle, or one may strike out at the other in anger.
In some cases, the child may steal from the parent. Taking a parents' narcotic pain medications or money is all too common. In some cases of dementia, a parent may even accuse thier child of such criminal acts when the reverse is actually true.
It is sad when a parent is no longer able to remain independent, and many will balk at the first suggestion of entering a care facility. But it is often the best solution. There are instances where a care giver can be called in to take some of the burden off of the child, or to assist when the elder person is still able to maintain a certain level of independence. When the child is the primary caregiver for a parent who needs constant care, it is best if they can be given frequent breaks. Calling in a once or twice a week caregiver can give the adult child a much needed break.
In worst case scenarios, a frail and ailing elderly parent can be severely injured by being shoved, pushed or struck by an angry adult child, especially if that child is strong and known to have fits of anger. Tempers can flare and before they know it, the elder adult is either in danger or in dire trouble. Bruises, broken bones, fractures and internal bleeding can ensue. This can be true even if the parent is not frail.
Our elderly are a valuable asset, and we can learn much from them still. They have mush wisdon to impart if one has the patience to listen. They also carry family histories within them that may be lost forever when they are gone. They should be treated gently and with the love and respect they deserve. Unfrotunately, this is not always the case.
If you suspect abuse of an elderly or adult family member or other adult persons, there is a division of the DSHS called Adult Protective Services. Reports can be made anonymously to be checked out by their staff. It is not a crime to witness abuse, only to let it go unreported.
Getting an ailing parent to agree to go into a facility may not be easy, as most have heard horror stories through the years. However, the level of care at the various facilities has improved drastically, and they are monitored both by government agencies and health departments. Most facilities that have oprenings will welcome a visit by both the patient and the family. It keeps the elderly parent safe and offers them constant assistance whenever they need it. 5月14日 We Give as Good as We Were Given
Mother's Day has come and gone, for better or worse. It may not be a pleasant reminder of days gone past, but it is best to remember that mother's can only give what they have been given. They learned their behavior and their attitudes from their parents, and the examples set before them by teachers and others with whom they came into contact as children.
"I had a rotten childhood" is a phrase often used by those wishing to have their own bad behavior excused. Guess what? We all had rotten childhoods at one point or another. "Normal" has lost it's meaning in regard to the family. It should represent the majority, and when applied properly, the "norm" would be the desired situation. However, what is normal for one person is not always normal for another. For instance, when I was a drunk many years ago, it was 'normal' for me to drink and stay drunk. Today, it would not be normal, it would be a tragedy. But I can look back and see that most of my 'normal' behaviors have undergone drastic changes through the years. Thank heaven!
Perhaps your mother was in the grips of an addiction. Or maybe she has hurts buried deep within her soul. Her experiences have made her who she is today. Hopefully, she has had the opportunity to work through her problems. On the other hand, maybe your mother was and is a paragon of virtue. If you are in the latter category, consider yourself very fortunate, and hopefully, you will be as good an example to your children as she was to you.
Single parents do not have it easy. They must be both parents at the same time, giving out discipline and being nurturing at the same time. The burden of household finances is theirs alone, and they shoulder all the problems of trying to raise a productive member of society. Having been a single mom, I have the utmost empathy for any who are in that situation. Sometimes dads have to assume the role of mom as well as the other way around, and they are to be congratulated as well.
Parenting today is a frightening thought for me. There is so much more danger out there than before, when I was a young parent. It seems pedophiles are lurking around every corner. Maybe even as a neighbor. Drugs are a bigger issue than ever. All one can do is try to instill in their children a deep sense of what is safe and provide a safe home; but for the most part it comes down to building trust with them.
Children must be able to trust that you will not lie to them, that you are wiser than they are. The influence of grandparents and other close relatives can be a valuable asset and they can become family assets, if they aren't already.
Changes in a child's behaviors and attitudes can signal problems to a watchful parent. If they suddenly start to withdraw or their schoolwork takes a drastic nosedive, check into it. Lives get terribly busy, and it is often easy to over look these things, or to pass them off as just a phase.
Abused children are often afraid to speak out against an abuser. Sometimes they are threatened with dire consequences if they tell anyone. Physical harm to them or their loved ones is the usual threat. Other times, they may feel that they have caused the abuse and feel shame that keeps them from telling anyone. If they never speak out, the wound becomes a scar that they will carry for the rest of their lives. They may even go on to become an abuser themselves.
Even the most vigilant of parents may find that their children are into things like drugs after the damage has been done. This often signals a deeper problem, and perhaps counseling is the way to go. Browbeating does little to correct bad behavior or habits. And being too strict often makes the child rebel even harder.
Is there a balance? I really don't know. Every situation and each child have their own circumstances and temperaments. Parenting is a difficult job and a gigantic responsibility. It is almost impossible for a parent who is addicted to any substance to be totally aware of the difficulties their child is going through. Hopefully, there will be other adults around who are concerned enough to use their voices in a situation like that. Sometimes it is the parent who is the problem, and needs to be assisted. Done properly, those who are close to the parent can effect vast changes.
5月13日 Happy Mother's Day!Mothers Who have sat in rocking chairs for hours on end soothing crying babies who can't be comforted. For all the mothers who run carpools and make cookies and sew Halloween costumes. And all the mothers who DON'T. And for all the mothers who froze their buns on metal bleachers at football or soccer games instead of watching from the warmth of their cars, so that when their kids asked, "Did you see me, Mom?" they could say, "Of course, I wouldn't have missed it for the world," and mean it. And mature mothers learning to let go. Author unknown - received in an email
5月8日 Domestic Violence and AbuseDomestic Violence and AbuseMost People think of Domestic Violence and Abuse as being the same thing. In a way, they are. Domestic Violence is indeed abuse, but not all abuse is physically violent. Abuse can be verbal or even non verbal in that it debases a person or makes them ashamed when they are not to blame. It can be the taking or using of someone’s goods without permission or making one feel frightened with or without verbalization.
People often think this occurs between domestic partners or married couples only. It can also be meted out to parents, children and acquaintances.
What it boils down to is that someone is being mean or ugly to someone else.
There are those who would say that spanking a child is abusive. I don’t agree unless the spanking is unwarranted or extreme as in an actual whipping or using something that can cause more than just a stinging fanny.
If a spouse or partner calls you names or makes you feel as though you are worthless, useless, inept, inadequate or otherwise less than them, I consider that abuse. If they coerce you into doing things you do not want to do, and you protest but they do not stop, that is abuse.
When a parent’s children perpetrate any crime against them, be it physical, emotional, financial or psychological, that is abuse. This type of thing usually occurs against the elderly. They feel powerless against an adult child, especially if that child is responsible for their parent’s care. They may very well put up with it in an attempt to keep their child’s love, regardless of the cost to themselves.
Children are of course, the most vulnerable persons to any type of abuse. Be it at the hands of siblings, parents or other adults they come into contact with. They seem to be the ones most likely to be sexually abused and exploited. Perhaps this is so because they are taught to respect adults and not question anyone who is put in charge of their care. This is not new. It has been happening through the ages. But people are more open to discussing it with their children and among themselves today than ever before. By talking about it, everyone becomes aware. 5月4日 Good morning, world!It's early, and the birdsong is so loud outside, it's as if they are trying to chase away the fog with their shrill voices! I have had a cold lately, and been low on energy. I spent most of it planting posies the last couple of days. There are only a few left witout pots of their own, and I will try to find them homes today. It is such a joy when the flowers start blooming, and we get more sunshine. The Hummingbirds are eating us out of house and home this year. I can hardly keep up with their appetites, and I have two enormous feeders. The one little feeder does not get as much activity, but the others get drained within 2 days! There are often five or six of the beautiful little creatures in a holding pattern, waiting for their turn to drink. It sounds like a war zone outside. I guess I need to add another feeder, and start buying sugar in fifty pound bags! I have not been working on my second book lately. I am formulating different scenarios in my mind, and need to redo my outline before I begin again. I think a total rewrite is in order. Poor Joan, what shall I do with her? Her mother and grandmother shall be the focus of book #2. Life in the early part of the 20th century was so very hard on women, and they did not have many choices on how to survive. Life can still be difficult , even with more choices. Today, there are additional dangers and pitfalls to go along with the additional opportunites! I am often grateful that I am older and do not have the problems of youth. |
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