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6月29日 The many faces of abuse--part 1, childrenUsually, when we think of child abuse, things like children being beaten and horrible things being done to their physical beingscomes to mind. But what about the words we use on them? When they are called names or given labels like stupid, retard, fat, idiot, clumsy, lazy and a lot of other derogatory titles, this also sets them up to try to be what is expected of them. Then the parent gets upset because the child is proving them right. Most of the time, parents treat their children the way they were treated by their own parents. We do learn by example, and our parents are the main examples in our lives. If an adult was abused in any manner by their parents, they are far more likely to heap that same abuse on their own children. Sometimes, if the child is fortunate, the abuse is less than what the parent had endured. Other times the abuse simply changes its face to another form. In today's enlightened times, physical abuse is abhorred by most everyone. People don't even take measures to punish their children when they are misbehaving. Most everyone is afraid of being accused of abuse when they spank their children. It seems that society has taken a distinct turn in the opposite direction of discipline. To send a child to their room no longer has the effect it had years ago. In their rooms, many children (teens especially) have their computers, TVs, stereos, MP3 players, telephones and other forms of amusement that they can turn to. This does not seem like punishment to me. It is more like a parent saying "I don't want to deal with you, so amuse yourself as you like." To my way of thinking, this in itself is abuse, and tells the child that they are not loved or even wanted. 6月18日 More On Responsibility and Child AbuseWhile a child cannot be held responsible for mistreatment, they can be taught to be responsible for reporting abuse to a parent or other adult. At the same time, they need to be taught what the consequences of false reporting can be. Most children who are not spoiled and not mistreated will not do any false reporting; but it is necessary to investigate any and all accusations, as children do not usually come up with these things from their own imaginations.
Many parents are afraid to spank or otherwise punish their children out of fear that they may be accused of abusing their child. This is very unfortunate, because the child does not learn boundaries or limits. Even sending a child to their room does not always work. Especially if the child in question has access to their computer, phone, television, video games or other entertainment within the walls of their bedroom.
Parents today must be creative when they punish their child, and must be willing to go through it with the child. Timeouts, withholding allowances and extra chores may work with some children, especially when they are young, but what about an older child? I have heard of some parents volunteering a wayward child into performing some kind of public service. Picking up garbage along the road or spending time reading to shut-ins are just a couple of ways to give the child something constructive to do with time they would otherwise spend playing with their toys or peers. There are many options open to a parent who is creative and concerned.
If a child is misbehaving at school, it can indicate that something serious is going on with the child. Who is interacting with the child? It could be "bullying" from another child or children, or it could be something much more serious. Sometimes the school counselor will be available to discuss the situation with the parent(s) and come up causes and solutions to any behavior problems, or with appropriate and constructive options of punishment if it is needed. In this way, hopefully, the parent can't be accused of abusing the child. This is a small part of what dedicated school counselors can do to assist the parent.
Perhaps other professional help is also needed. When a parent cannot afford professional help for their child, there is often low or no cost help available. One must be aware that the misbehavior may be the result of some form of abuse that the child is being subjected to which the parent is unaware of for various reasons.
It is imperative that a child feel they are safe, loved and trusted; that they can go to their parent with any problem they are experiencing. Especially what might be embarrassing problems. Parenting is an awesome responsibility, and those who do it well are to be applauded. Other close family members can also help with this. If the child tells you something disturbing is going on, pay attention to what they are saying and investigate. Obvious signs of abuse such as frequent bruises on an otherwise well coordinated child should be checked into as well.
Abused children who become adults are responsible for seeking help and solutions to any lasting influences and effects of the abuse they have suffered. There is help available; sometimes it simply takes being creative with financing and taking the time needed to search out the help that they need. Local agencies are often very helpful in this regard. The Department of Social and Health Services is there to be used, and our taxes go to pay for this, so it is economically prudent to use their services. 6月6日 ResponsibilityHow does one who has been abused accept responsibility for the act that was forced upon them? Children cannot possibly be held responsible for being abused. They are the true innocents, and should always be held blameless. Children look to their elders for guidance and protection. At least, that is how it should be; and indeed, that is what many children were taught and believed. Children today are often coerced into silence with threats of violence and retaliation if they tell. In many cases, the abuser is a close family member or friend. Someone who is seemingly above reproach, and welcome in the family home. Child abuse has to be the most heinous form abuse in my mind. It is hard to protest when you are overpowered and outranked.
The responsibility here must lie with the abuser. Unfortunately, they will seldom claim or admit to any responsibility; and indeed, some even commit suicide to avoid it. These people are in need of serious help, and need to be removed from temptation. The temptation should not need to be removed from their presence. That is like saying the child promoted it, and should be punished with banishment.
Rape is also a crime where the rapist must bear all the blame. Whether it is a case of she waited to say no until the last minute, or she was forced into an alley by a stranger, rape is rape. A normal person can accept "NO" and deal with it. Rape is really an act of violence, anger and hostility. It has no more to do with sex than going grocery shopping does. It makes the rapist feel powerful and perhaps they can justify it in their own mind somehow. Men seldom complain about being raped, since they would not like to admit that they had been overpowered, and they quite often can be stimulated into cooperating. In fact, I have heard it said that some men even fantasize about that very thing occurring.
Often, rapes go unreported for a number of reasons. Probably the main reasons are not wanting to face the shame of a trial where the woman's reputation will surely fall into question, and the woman not wanting what might be termed a 'shady' reputation brought to light. They feel that they would just like to put it behind them and be more careful in the future.
When I look back on my physically abusive marriage, I can honestly say that I must take some responsibility. It became a sort of game. He would do or say something I didn't like, and since I knew where his "buttons" were, I would push him over the edge. The shouting would start, and his fists would fly. I always got the worst end of the deal as I would not fight back. I would fight to get away, but I was afraid that I would kill him if I got physical in return. Instead, I was a thrower of objects, a slammer of cupboards and drawers. I met his physical abuse with verbal abuse.
Why didn't I just leave? First, there was a 'payoff' in it for me. He was always remorseful. After a fight, he would go out ant spend the night drinking. The next day I would get roses, access to credit cards to go shopping for what ever I desired, nice jewelry, and even a new car at one point. The payoff for him was a night of complete freedom, where he could pretend he was single.
I had to leave and go back to him 3 times before I realized the 'goodies' I got in order to put up with the behavior were not adequate, and I had done nothing to deserve that treatment from him in the first place. That is not to say that anyone ever deserves to be beaten, but I had to come to that realization on my own, later. I kept returning, thinking I could be a better wife, I could help him change, and lots of other rationales. Finally, I left, knowing that if I didn't, one of us would wind up dead, and I couldn't fix the marriage. There was not a bandaid made big enough to heal the hurts. Being an adult, I could make that choice. Children do not have that option, unfortunately.
It is the parent's responsibility to listen to their children, to monitor their behaviors, and be ever watchful. What an overwhelming responsibility! And the parents must be able know the child's capabilities and to trust that the child is not making it up to 'get even' with someone if they do tell. That doesn't usually happen unless the child is older, but it does occasionally happen. It may simply be a case of a parent remarrying and the child being willing to remove the unwanted step parent at all costs, or trying to get rid of a teacher they don't like. However, this is a very rare occurrence, and all voicing of abuse must be checked out.
Unfortunately, this does occasionally happen, and the fact that it has happened before to other people makes it difficult for the parent to know exactly what to do. What a dilemma this presents. Who is telling the truth, and is the parent willing to investigate when they may have to press charges? What if it is a case of incest? I think many mothers (possibly fathers too) close their eyes to this kind of thing, hoping that the child is lying, but not quite sure who to believe. And if the incident is reported, what kind of hell will the child be dragged through? I chose to stay a single parent until I was completely alone, in order to avoid the possibilities. It was the only way I felt that I could truly protect anyone who might be involved in that scenario, especially the child.
Studies have shown that abusers were most generally abused themselves. By putting a stop to abuse, perhaps the chains will be broken, and the cycles stopped. Some people have come to see that the way they were treated, or the treatment their parents gave each other, is not "normal". So, slowly, civilization is evolving. I hope. And we all must share the responsibility of keeping children safe when we can, simply by being aware. After all, a parent cannot be everywhere all the time. |
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